"I'm at the starting line, I'm ready for the horn...I am PUMPED. I could run ALL the races!"
"I'm running an 8-minute mile and getting passed like I'm standing still. Is this race course on the Autobahn or something?"
"I just got passed by a 12-year-old. This isn't working well for my self-esteem."
"I hate you sun. You with your shining too bright and being all hot. You're just going to swell up and burn up Earth someday anyway. I hate you."
"Come back from behind the clouds, sun. It's cold here without you. I didn't mean what I said before. Please come back?"
"Yeah, on second thought, if you could only come out when I'm in the shade, that would be great."
"This hill is a Heartbreak Hill. That hill is a Heartbreak Hill. Every @$#^ing hill that I have to run uphill on is Heartbreak Hill. Not sure if I'm motivating myself or admitting defeat."
"Who the hell gives runners water in Solo cups? We need tiny paper cups, so we can shoot back the water like a shot and toss the cup to the side."
"Why is there not a vodka shot service station?"
"Seriously, what is with these hills? Am I running or going on a hike?"
"Is this couple honestly bickering while running? How do they even have the energy?"
"I'm going to track down every single person who recommended tapering off before the race and clock them upside their skull."
"This is actually happening. I'm actually running a half-marathon. Looks like I can't wimp out halfway through."
"Please let me wimp out halfway through."
"Now I understand the importance of people cheering along the sidelines. These long stretches of no onlookers is killing me and making me reevaluate my life."
"NO. THIS IS THE HEARTBREAK HILL! THIS IS THE HEARTBREAK HILL! I'M GOING TO DIE."
"I hate my shoes. I hate my knee braces. I hate my jacket. I hate my water bottle. Did I say that I hated my shoes yet?"
"I hate running. I hate moving. I hate legs. Fuck legs."
"I hate cement. I hate ground. I hate gravity. I hate ALL the things."
"Seriously, why is there not a vodka shot service station."
"I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna puke."
"I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. I'm going to puke, then pass out."
"The mile markers are definitely off. Don't argue with me: I got GPS strapped to my arm."
"High-fiving a line of kids makes you feel like a celebrity. Period."
"It figures that Cake's 'Going the Distance' would come on during my last quarter of a mile."
"SHE'S GOING THE DISTANCE! SHE'S GOING FOR SPEEEEEED. SHE'S ALL ALONE -- ALL ALONE! -- IN A TIME OF NEEEEEEEEED."
"That was fun! Let's do it again! Oooh I'm dizzy..."