Monday, January 20, 2014

Day 168 of 365: I Have No Words

It's a day that we first hoped would never come, then braced for it's inevitable arrival, then held our breath, hoping against hope that every delay meant a miracle. And now it's here and I have no words.

I've known her mom since I was in elementary school. She was always the quick-witted mom, the mom who took everyone in as her own. You enjoyed going to her house because it always meant she'd have something fun planned. She was the cool mom without being the "cool mom". You couldn't help but love her like she was part of your own family, because she treated you like you were part of hers.

This is all ironic, in a way. I had a brief phone call with my best friend yesterday, giving her what writing advice I could give when it came to writing about the anniversary of her own mother's death. She was feeling stuck and stagnant and I told her that sometimes just writing down whatever words come to mind is the only thing you can do. Stumble forward with whatever you've got until you land on exactly what you need.

And that's exactly where I am now. Writing down whatever words come to mind because I honestly feel stagnant in every other category. I don't know what I can say, or what I should say. I wish I knew the exact words to eulogize her, to find some poetry in this sadness, but I have nothing. The news has stunned me into silence.

It's a helpless feeling, knowing someone you love is going through all this and you are basically on the sidelines like a defunct coach, shouting whatever supportive words you can and hoping something makes a positive difference. And it's a selfish feeling, bemoaning the helplessness when it's not your mother who is gone. Your mourning is a sliver of a fraction of what she is going through.

And you just wish you could find the right things to say, to write, to...anything. But sometimes you just have no words.

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