Let me tell you a story about Milo and the pea.
Yesterday I'm eating a heaping plateful of peas (because that's what happens when you have too many leftovers; sometimes you have meals of straight peas). Milo comes up to me to beg for food. Now, some cats beg by sitting next to you with an expectant glare, as if they're going to Jedi mind trick you into giving them your food ("This is not the chicken you are looking for."). Other cats will put a tentative paw on you, with big dopey eyes that are so pitiful that you can almost hear the cockneyed, "Pleez, ser, ah wun sum morwah." And other cats are assholes, shoving their wet nose into your skin and headbutting your arm to get whatever they want.
Milo falls into the asshole category.
After the fifth or sixth snot attack from Milo, I decide to give him exactly what he's asking, which is whatever it is I have on my plate. I give him a pea, expecting him to do the usual Milo behavior when it comes to vegetable: attempt to eat it, spit it out, try again, spit it out again, all the while looking at the vegetable with a betrayed/confused look that says, "Why are you not food?"
I place the pea down on the floor and watch as he starts this usual ritual. I go back to eating my food and suddenly feel a cold nose on my arm again. I look down, and the pea is gone.
Okay then, you fat chihuahua with identity issues, I think to my cat. If it's peas you want, it will be peas you get.
So I give him yet another pea, and watch as yet another pea disappears into the empty void that is Milo's stomach. I give him another, and another, and yet another, and watch him gobble it up as if I had given him kibble.
Looking back, this was probably not the smartest move, as giving cat some unknown-to-his-digestive-system vegetable. Thankfully a quick Google search after the fact showed that peas (in small doses) are actually okay for cats (also, you're welcome NSA for now getting to have, "Can cats eat peas?" as part of my internet browsing file). But, regardless, this further proves that I have a cat who does not know How To Cat.
However, this means only bad news for me. The days of defending my food from asshole begging cats by showcasing the foods that are not supposed to be appealing to cats are long over. Looks like I just need to eat my meals with long sleeves now.