Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Day 141 of 365: 10 Ways to Make Sure a Person Never Falls in Love with Someone You Want Them to Fall in Love With

1. Berate them for not loving that Person already. Maybe all the bad things in their life happened because they didn’t love that Person.

2. Tell them that they need to fall in love with the Person right now or really bad things are going to happen to them, especially after they die.

3. Use “proof” as to why they should fall in love with that Person. Point to literature that they might not believe in. Point to it often. And when they tell you that they don’t necessarily believe the proof, tell them that they’re wrong – and point to another section of that literature to prove it.

4. Exclude them from gatherings, conversations, and events because they don’t love that Person. Not-so-subtly hint that you’ll only really include them again once they accept the Person into their heart.

5. Commit acts of hatred, bigotry, prejudice, and violence in the name of that Person. Swear up and down that you do it because you know that the Person would approve of your actions.

6. Tell them that any act that isn’t done for that Person is a not-okay action. If you’re singing, you better be singing about that Person. If you’re reading, you better be reading about that Person. If they’re not, tell them that they are horrible human beings.

7. Tell them that receiving that Person’s love and kindness is kind of like an exclusive club. If you don’t fit the very specific requirements, then you don’t truly love that Person. But it’s okay: that Person will love you anyway, so long as you change.

8. Decide you know everything this Person stands for and believes in. Decide nothing is up for interpretation, decided that things are always in black and white, and inflict this confidence on everyone you know.

9. Say that everything that is wrong with the world is because more people aren’t in love with the Person. It doesn’t matter that people say they’re in love and still do horrible things anyway. There is no other explanation other than Person-less-ness.

10. Berate them when you find out that they once loved that Person -- or at least tried to -- but found that they couldn’t. Don’t they know that things like love and belief are as much of a choice as the type of pants you put on in the morning? Tell them to go through the motions anyway. Tell them that it’s better that way; tell them they’ll be punished if they are true to how they feel and do not follow, or love, or believe in that Person.

And for extra credit: see nothing wrong with how you conduct yourself in the name of that Person. Ignore the blatant hypocrisy. Pat yourself on the back, even though, at the end of the day, you pushed more people away from the Person than towards. Because if they don’t love that Person, if they are going to be punished in the afterlife because they don’t have the Person in their hearts, that’s their problem. Not yours.

(snaps if you know what/Who I'm talking about.)

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